Birthday Chaos

My 34th birthday was a night to remember. As in, "Do Not Repeat!" There have been plenty of other birthdays that went either spiraling into the toilet or have remained great nights, but this one really went to the extremes of my behavior.

My birthday started rather benign. My birthday happens during the summer, so I was not in school, but was working full time at my job. This birthday however was on a friday, which meant that even though I would need to spend the day at work, I would have the next day off, and thus heavy drinking and free reign to get crazy! I had a roommate at the time. A woman who seriously had the hots for me (this created many situations during the 1.5 years we shared a townhouse). However, she was a very round, and very short lady who was about 10 years older than me. I came home from work and she had made a dinner for me which was very nice. Then we played a drinking game that I made up on the spot to coincide with Jeopardy. If you got an answer correct, the other person had to take a shot of the Jim Beam I had. Yeah...

I love Jeopardy. I watch it all the time and anyone who has ever been present during these times often says something along the lines of, "Dude, you should totally try out for the show." I once had a coworker in the company break-room during our lunch who actually accused me of watching a rerun.

Anyways, that game ended real quick after my roommate had hit her 5th shot in 10 minutes. She literally refused to continue playing. Not that it mattered. I had been shooting with her, so we were both getting pretty buzzed. I flipped off the TV and we headed to the bar.

It was made clear that it was my birthday to everyone there. As you can guess, the liquor came from everywhere. People were buying me beers, and lots of tequila (Patron Silver-yum!). Next thing you know, I am drunk off my ass, interupting people's conversations, and basically becoming an ass. It wasn't my fault, there were no hot girls present! Suddenly, through my drunken haze I realize that I am being hauled up to the stage to sing Bob Seger's "Night Moves", while my roommate and the serving girl are handing me what they say is more Patron. I down it and instantly my throat is on fire. They are laughing at me and I can distinctly hear, "It's Bacardi 151, fucker!" Cue the band playing and me desperately trying to keep from puking, and you get the worst rendition of "Night Moves" ever.

I couldn't even finish the song, mainly because I don't think I was even singing it anymore, but also because suddenly a HOT chick walked into the bar. I literally hopped off the stage mid-song and grabbed this girl who strangely was into me as well without either of us ever meeting before. She was a hot Mexican girl and it was just at that time that the bar was shutting down. My roommate and her friend are trying to get me to leave, and I am holding this hot girl for everything I am worth in resistance. I tell them, "She's coming home with me." She agrees.

They try desperately to get me to not bring her home. They tell her to leave, and she says she can drive. So of course I immediately tell the roommate, "I'm leaving with her. She's going to drive me home." Of course the fact that I literally live next door to the bar and can walk to my door faster than we can drive doesn't matter to me. I'm on a mission.

We head out to her truck, a big Ford 250, and I hop in. We drive out of the parking lot and turn right into my own parking lot. Of course, she's hammered as well and when it comes time for her to park, she tries to pull the truck into a tight spot and has to back up a little to straighten the truck. Next thing I know, we're going 10mph and slamming into 'something' behind us so hard that my head hits the headrest. She quickly parks the truck, and by the time I am opening my door I have forgotten that she hit something. We head into the house where my roommate and her friend have been waiting. Saying nothing, I grab two beers and my random hookup and I head upstairs.

It doesn't take us long to be fully naked and going at it on the bed. I'm beginning to think that something isn't quite right with the situation, but can't be sure. I start thinking that we sure seem to be moving a lot. I really started to feel the bed moving about the room with our activity...until I realized that that was just a serious case of the spins coming on. Who gets the spins while humping? Apparently this guy does.

So here I am, humping away while she's under me asking me to tell her I love her (seriously), and next thing you know, I am puking my guts out on my carpet next to my bed while not missing a beat. I mean, I am going at her like a champ, and she is still trying to get me to tell her I love her, all the while I am throwing up so much that you'd think I still had the food from the day before in my stomach! And then it happens. The puking finally takes control of my body as I start to heave. She starts screaming as vomit hits her chest and arm. She pushes me away, which only helped me in that I was trying to get off her anyway! I head out onto my balcony, stark-assed naked, and furiously vomit off the balcony.

She's in my room, telling me to finish so I can get back in bed, and all I am thinking is that this girl is robbing me. She is taking my shit and is going to steal my things while stabbing me because I am too busy throwing up to do anything about it. An idea comes to me and I am moving through the room to the hall. I head down the stairs calling for my roommate. Of course, I think the fact I was dry-heaving probably made her and her friend come see what was happening. I'm naked, contorting with heaving, all the while yelling for her to get that thieving whore out of my house before she steals all of my shit!

The rest of the night is a blackout from that point on. I am told that my roommate had to tell the girl to get dressed and get out while I was busy vomiting off the lower balcony. Apparently the girl wanted to say goodbye to me, which my roommate unceremoniously informed her was not happening. While she was getting the girl out of the house, I apparently was ready to sleep. I guess in my drunken state I was still able to think clear enough to know that my room and bed were not a place for sleeping that night, because I am told I curled up, still naked, across my roommate's pillows. All attempts to get me to leave her room were met with me speaking in gibberish. Needless to say, the hangover was phenomenal the next afternoon.

Oh, and the hot chick that backed into my neighbor's car? The one that wanted me to tell her I loved her right before I started sharing my poor decisions with her? She came into the bar about three weeks later, and my roommate pointed her out to me. I had ZERO memory of her, only that a 'her' had been there that night. Yeah...she stands 5'11 and weighs a good 200lbs. They call her 'The Amazon'. I hate drunk me sometimes.

Happy frikkin 34th.